Codependency Central

Childhood - The Fountainhead Of Negativity Anyone who came up in a household where there was unhappiness, dysfunction, ongoing stress or perhaps trauma was subjected to endless negative messages every single day of their young lives.   The least harmful was just being witness to adult's dark, unhappy words and actions. The absolute worst was being the recipient of those destructive words and actions. Being told since birth that you are no good, a problem or mistake; that you're stupid or not worthy of having any of your dreams fulfilled are devastating. Just as damaging is being ignored. Emotional, mental and physical alienation is doubly painful because it sends mixed messages which, by the way, others may not notice so the child feel misunderstood and confused. Not being wanted or included is devastating for a little boy or girl. Infants who are not held from birth can't survive. Or if they do, they are often saddled with life-long challenges. What a sad way to start an i

  Finding The Light Switch When I stop and make a point of taking in all the input I receive in a normal day, it's overwhelming to realize that most of it is negative. We live in a world that appears to be determined to keep us in a constant state of anxiety and despair. The news is 100% focused on the worst. Social media is bursting with people and businesses that play on our fears.  It seems that almost everyone talks in hostile and angry tones.   Civility appears to have died. Things sure seem dark a lot of the time....but we do have control over how we perceive the world. While I'm not going get into the societal issues of the day, I am going to talk about recognizing when WE are feeding into that dark cycle, WHERE our world view  started and HOW to break free of the bond of negativity.  In this first part, we'll go into our immediate surroundings. In the Part Two, I'll write about "Childhood - The Fountainhead of Negativity". Finally, in Part Three, I'

I haven't met one person yet who's working to overcome codependency that hasn't had a dream of their life after passing through that storm. We need to want something better. It's the only reason we even start down this difficult path of healing. We want a better life! The goal of working through all the trauma, the abuse, the scars of our past is to grab onto and own that life we say we want. So what does that look like? The details are different for each person of course, but the overall vision is the same: peace, strength, self love, not living for approval and not fearing of judgment. Ultimately it's about becoming the person we should have been all along and building a life without all the destructive influences we experienced in past relationships and upbringing.  We see ourselves as deserving of good things. A peaceful environment (not to be confused with boring; just safe). We're able to breathe deeply and feel calm. We learn to accept who and what we are

When codependent traits consume a person; when protecting oneself means being 'invisible', that person all too often grows up not having any idea who he or she really is. They will take on whatever personality they believe is required of them at the moment; parroting those around them, just to fit in or keep the peace. The result is they feel like frauds which brings on even more shame because they're terrified they'll be found out to be the faker they feel they really are. Also, when a person is always mimicking others, that person has a growing, unexplainable rage inside. This rage manifests in unplanned and unpleasant ways: losing their temper quickly, yelling, attacking others, being overly opinionated, judgmental (gossiping) and moody. All of this reflects back to the lie they were taught to believe somewhere long ago, "I'm not good enough." On top of every thought is the vague, endless sense of not knowing if what they're feeling is real or the r

The short answer is - no. Like an alcoholic who's been in recovery for twenty-seen years admits he is still an alcoholic, we will always have to watch our thinking and behavior.  Being codependent isn't like having the flu. We can't take a pill or stay in bed and wait for it to be over. It's not even like suffering with a bout of deep depression, which we know from experience will eventually pass.  Codependent thinking and behavior are who we are and the way  to overcome them is to gradually learn new ways of thinking which then affects our behavior regarding triggers. Triggers can be situations that take us immediately to a place of feeling like we're about to be abandoned or disliked. Two unbearable beliefs for people who live to please others for the sake of acceptance. Or it can be our own unstoppable urge to keep doing something until it's perfect. Or behaving in a way that shows we have absolutely no boundaries. It manifests in fits of rage, judgment

If you and I are honest for just a moment, there are probably a hand full of people we could easily get very upset over even to the point of rage. They did wrong by us. Hurt us. Abandoned us. So is it possible to forgive them? Is it even necessary? What forgiveness is - and what it is not "I can never forgive them for what they did to me." This could be people from your childhood or from adult relationships. Being the victim of abuse of any kind is a profoundly painful position for anyone. But for the codependent, it's especially difficult, because in addition to being the victim, we also believe we have the burden of being responsible for keeping the very people who hurt us happy in whatever twisted dynamic each relationship embraced. So the victim not only has unresolved trauma but also guilt. How does anyone find the strength to do that? For those people, forgiveness will never look like this: 1. I forgive you 2. You accept my forgiveness 3. We n