Codependency and Forgiveness - Yes or No?

If you and I are honest for just a moment, there are probably a hand full of people we could easily get very upset over even to the point of rage. They did wrong by us. Hurt us. Abandoned us. So is it possible to forgive them? Is it even necessary?

What forgiveness is - and what it is not

"I can never forgive them for what they did to me." This could be people from your childhood or from adult relationships. Being the victim of abuse of any kind is a profoundly painful position for anyone. But for the codependent, it's especially difficult, because in addition to being the victim, we also believe we have the burden of being responsible for keeping the very people who hurt us happy in whatever twisted dynamic each relationship embraced. So the victim not only has unresolved trauma but also guilt. How does anyone find the strength to do that?


For those people, forgiveness will never look like this:

1. I forgive you
2. You accept my forgiveness
3. We now begin a healthy relationship (assuming the other person is still alive)

It's also not realistic that once you forgive someone, you will no longer feel anger, fear, resentment or pain. At least not right away. What you will feel is a sense of accomplishment. Choosing to forgive is a milestone in your recovery.

Because it relates to people who stole your childhood, your innocence, your sense of self, forgiveness will not be a one-time event. It will require daily repetition. Even hourly in the beginning because our minds are so fixated on them and the pain they caused.

And, in addition, there is a good possibility that even after you make a decision to begin the forgiveness process, you may never be able to have contact with those people ever again.

Why? Because you are forgiving them for your piece of mind. And the fact that you have made a decision to forgive does not mean they have decided to change. You can forgive - but you may not be able to have even a phone conversation with them. Keep your boundaries. Especially if you are still vulnerable to their deceptions. They know your triggers.

What forgiveness must be for most codependents, because we are so susceptible to needing other's approval, is a private matter. You don't have to talk to anyone. For some, it may be appropriate to write a letter. Caution: be careful not to let this be a doorway into dialogue if you don't want it. No. This is a message to them from you. That's all.

Until you know yourself to be strong enough not to fall into old patterns with the same toxic results, let your forgiveness be for you and no one else.

How do I forgive myself?

Without a doubt forgiving yourself is the biggest and most important step toward becoming a whole, healthy person. And it's also the hardest.

You're going to have to act as your own parent to accomplish this. Somewhere inside of you is an innocent child who wants to be free from guilt, shame, remorse and all the lies that a dysfunctional relationship or background will plant in your head. You will never have peace until you can - over time- face those lies and begin replacing them with truths.

You are not a loser, stupid, unlovable or dirty. You, beloved, are a child of God just like everyone else. Other people stole the life you were meant to have and sent you on a lifelong, downward spiral of depression, self-doubt, illness, anxiety, perfectionism and countless other problems as the result.

Yes, you have made mistakes. You have caused other people pain. You have sabotaged your own life.
What was your frame of mind? You were scared, angry, desperate, unable to think things through. These are the results of what you have endured. Much of it was reactionary to the moment.

You do not have to be a victim all your life. By choosing to forgive yourself daily, and make tiny, consistent and repetitive changes for the good, you are saying, "I am worthy. I deserve to be happy. I am not broken, fragile half of a person. I forgive myself. I choose to move forward."

What if I just can't - or don't want to - forgive

The truth is that there are some levels of harm done by others that are so horrendous, it's hard to imagine people can do those things to another. How can anyone tell these victims to forgive? With that realization, the idea that forgiveness - at least for now - may not be possible. My advice is to keep it as a goal in the back of your head. As you get healthier and the past has less of a stranglehold on your life and your thinking, there will come a time where, for your own wellbeing, it may be an option for you.

But, forgiving yourself is non-negotiable. If you cannot forgive yourself for doing and thinking like the broken person you were molded into, then surely there will never be a moment of authentic peace for you. Please don't sentence yourself to that.

Make a decision each day to forgive yourself for the small toxic, habitual thoughts and actions you choose.  "You can do better than that, Jeanette. I forgive you." Your healthy, inner parent is loving you through the process of becoming a balanced, happier person.

(There is much more on this subject in my book, "You're Not Crazy-You're Codependent)