Finding Your Voice

When codependent traits consume a person; when protecting oneself means being 'invisible', that person all too often grows up not having any idea who he or she really is.

They will take on whatever personality they believe is required of them at the moment; parroting those around them, just to fit in or keep the peace. The result is they feel like frauds which brings on even more shame because they're terrified they'll be found out to be the faker they feel they really are.

Also, when a person is always mimicking others, that person has a growing, unexplainable rage inside. This rage manifests in unplanned and unpleasant ways: losing their temper quickly, yelling, attacking others, being overly opinionated, judgmental (gossiping) and moody.

All of this reflects back to the lie they were taught to believe somewhere long ago, "I'm not good enough." On top of every thought is the vague, endless sense of not knowing if what they're feeling is real or the re-enactment of what they think someone else will think. 

This brings the endless search for the 'real me.' Who am I? 

For someone who lives in this prison of the mind, being told to 

'just be yourself' brings on a feeling of panic. 'I have no idea who 

I am. Who should I be instead' is the default thinking.

This syndrome creates half of a life. The scared half. The authentic

 life we dream of and are relentlessly searching for seems unattainable. 

Is this a lifetime sentence? If you're living this existence, it sure feels like it. But I want to assure you it is not. You are out there somewhere.  Actually, you are buried inside of you, under decades of wrong thinking and lies. Finding you will require viking-like courage and perseverance. 

Those who have lived with this and all the other codependent traits that derail them from their dreams and any sort of peace of mind, are the strongest people you'll ever meet. Not only are they getting up daily to fight off old programming and behaviors, they are relentlessly searching for a true and satisfying life. This, my friends, take guts. It's much easier to give up, stop learning, stop growing, numb out and rest in that claustrophobic world of the victim where nothing is possible - than it is to take the bumps and disappointments of searching for an authentic you.

Choosing to jump into this battle with both feet isn't any more 

difficult than just trying to get through life with nothing but fear 

and anger. Here is a basic roadmap to guide you into authenticity. Are you ready?

1.  Listen to your body - it's telling you what is true.

Whenever we're in a situation where we feel unsure of what we should say or how we should be, our bodies send out many clear signals. We need to learn to listen.

Finding your voice, and not the one you use to be grandiose, attention-seeking or a suck-up, is the very first step in chiseling away the stone to get to the tender real person buried deep inside that is you.

It's going to be uncomfortable, I guarantee you. I found that a good way to start is to just observe and say nothing. This initial quiet moment is just so you can get a grasp of the room and the personalities in it. It's amazing what you learn when you are quiet. 

 It hurts; it stirs up all our insecurities: 'I'm so stupid'. 'No one likes me" (yes, a mature person can still have those little person feelings). Breath through them. Remind yourself that these are old, stale lies. They will pass. We can only hear our truest self when we are quiet.

2. Become your own healthy, loving parent.

 Most adults who come from dysfunctional or traumatic backgrounds have developed terribly unhealthy coping skills. Put all together, they shape the codependent mindset. Many still hear their parents horrible words in their head 24/7: "You're so stupid." "Not like that, you idiot!, "You don't deserve it (anything good).  "Shut-up!"

In order to plant new thoughts in your ever-thinking brain, you will have to create a positive voice for yourself. I even talked out loud (quietly) at first to reassure my fragile, inner self within that I was okay and that I could do or say what felt right. Eventually, you'll learn to counter that bad, old parent voice with the new one that tells you that you're worthy, good, lovable and smart. Doing this brings on so much peace because we never received those words when our personalities were being shaped. 

3. Stop apologizing for who you are and what you want to say.

How many times have you prefaced or ended a sentence with phrases like, "I know this is dumb, but..." "I'm sorry, but ......" "Could I say something?" "I hope that's ok." Unless what you're about to say is going to cause confrontation, there is NO need to apologize for speaking up! Stop being afraid of taking up room or time. Use your grown up voice, not the weak, childish one that hopes they don't get punished. You have every much a right to speak as anyone else. Again, this is an old, worn out rule we learned long ago: what we say is either wrong or stupid. As adults, we owe it to ourselves to counter that junk with words from our loving parent. Tell yourself before you speak: "I do not have to apologize for being me."

4. Build your inner strength.

Now you have learned to stay quiet and observe, listen to what feels true in your body, and you speak up. And no one pays any attention. Or they laugh at you. They disagree and point out the weakness of your words. These moments are like knives going through the soul. We immediately start with the old programming: "I told you to stay quiet, you fool. "How could you even think that?" "What an idiot." "They think you're weird." Now what?

This is when we have to develop our healthy armor. You may want to shrink into nothing, run away or either cry or become combative. But, if you truly want to let the real you emerge, you're going to have to get tougher. This is the hardest part. When first attempting this, it will most likely be overshadowed by familiar self-loathing. That old programming is just too engrained. You may plunge into depression or anxiety or both. You must understand this is normal but it is not healthy and you CAN change it. In the midst of your usual torturing of yourself, there also has to be the planting of new thoughts. 

            

            *At least I tried

            *It felt good to speak truth instead of imitating someone else.

            *I'm proud of myself for trying

            *It'll get easier in time

            *This pain I'm feeling isn't real. It's only old, habitual behavior.

These words have power! Learn to sooth yourself with positive reinforcement whenever you feel the old thoughts consuming you. This takes strength.  Just listen to you body. What feels true?

5. Develop and keep those boundaries!

A person with codependent traits has poor or nonexistent boundaries. That lack of boundaries leads to destructive beliefs and behaviors such as:

• Thinking you have no say in the matter.
• Doing what you're told without asking questions.
• Letting others take advantage of you or roll over you.
• Keeping pain and resentment inside because that feels normal.
• Fearing rejection or ridicule for having differing opinions.
• Stuffing anger until it becomes rage which leads to debilitating depression.
• Unexpressed anger shows up as moodiness, short temper, fatigue, physical illness.

When there are no boundaries, we don't know when we've crossed the line in a conversation. We let other's talk but we're terrified of speaking up. We don't listen when our bodies tell us something is very wrong.

 

But as we begin to nurture our true self, we slowly learn to speak up when a situation feels wrong. We stop letting others manipulate us. Because we've worked on getting stronger, we can say "no" and stick to it. What a wonderful feeling that is. 

6. Learn to be easy and forgiving of yourself.

Like anything worth doing, it's going to take repetitive action to eventually start believing that your words have validity. Whether others agree with you isn't even the point (you might find you don't want to contribute at all to a conversation and that's okay too.) The,  fact is, you found one piece of yourself by voicing your own, real thoughts. That's you. 

When that usual downpour of negative reinforcements covers you, that's the time to gather up all the compassion you would give to anyone else, and forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for speaking words that weren't exactly what you planned on saying. Forgive yourself for being terrified of rejection. Forgive yourself. And try again.

When we learn how to forgive ourselves for just doing the best we could at that moment, we allow ourselves a glimpse of what peace feels like. There's no condemnation, no one is excluding you, you are lovable and have a right to speak or to make a mistake. Forgiveness - this is the gift we and our new, loving parent give to this adult who is trying with every bit of courage he or she has to become a healthier, authentic person.  When you catch yourself saying those old lies, take a breath and remember what's true. You're a good person. You're working hard. You will do better in the future. And above all, you are lovable.

Jeanette Menter is the author of, "You're Not Crazy-You're Codependent" available on www.amazon.com