Are We Ever Truly Over Codependency?
The short answer is - no. Like an alcoholic who's been in recovery for twenty-seen years admits he is still an alcoholic, we will always have to watch our thinking and behavior.
Being codependent isn't like having the flu. We can't take a pill or stay in bed and wait for it to be over. It's not even like suffering with a bout of deep depression, which we know from experience will eventually pass.
Codependent thinking and behavior are who we are and the way
to overcome them is to gradually learn new ways of thinking which then affects our behavior regarding triggers.
Triggers can be situations that take us immediately to a place of feeling like we're about to be abandoned or disliked. Two unbearable beliefs for people who live to please others for the sake of acceptance. Or it can be our own unstoppable urge to keep doing something until it's perfect. Or behaving in a way that shows we have absolutely no boundaries. It manifests in fits of rage, judgment of others, relationship sabotage, being overly critical of ourselves...the list of unhealthy thinking and behavior is endless.
Triggers can be situations that take us immediately to a place of feeling like we're about to be abandoned or disliked. Two unbearable beliefs for people who live to please others for the sake of acceptance. Or it can be our own unstoppable urge to keep doing something until it's perfect. Or behaving in a way that shows we have absolutely no boundaries. It manifests in fits of rage, judgment of others, relationship sabotage, being overly critical of ourselves...the list of unhealthy thinking and behavior is endless.
In short, we are driven by the need to keep everyone else happy or at least accepting of us - flawed, ugly and as unlovable as we are. Then the unhealed codependent will do everything possible to make that person not love us - because that's what we think we deserve.
The end result, of course, is depression, anxiety, self-loathing, and the feeling of being stuck in an endless, dark cycle. We live in quiet desperation - never knowing who we really are and never having one moment of peace. This is codependency.
The great news is that it does not have to stay this way. Through perseverance and moment-to-moment dedication to changing our beliefs, thinking and behavior, we can get better. Way better. It is possible to feel true happiness. We can have peace. We can learn to accept ourselves. Creating healthy boundaries is possible. We can even manage to accept that some people will never like us and we can learn to live with that. It's hard, but I'm here to attest to the fact that it can be done.
However, very few can do it alone. We require information and tools that can be acquired through a good therapist, helpful and honest books, seminars, talks, groups, medication for some and (for me) lots of prayer and journaling. But most importantly, the determination not to give up.
The key is simple self-observation without judgment. This first step is extraordinarily hard for us because we're used to judging ourselves in the harshest possible ways. It has to be learned through repetition. Being aware (mindful) of our choices is simply taking that one extra breath to think about what we are about to say or do. For instance - say you are with a person who has always made you feel insecure. You really want this person to like you, include you - accept you - as you are. But this hasn't been the case even though you've tried everything and have crossed all kinds of healthy boundaries to do them.
But now, because you incorporate mindfulness into your thinking,
The end result, of course, is depression, anxiety, self-loathing, and the feeling of being stuck in an endless, dark cycle. We live in quiet desperation - never knowing who we really are and never having one moment of peace. This is codependency.
You Can Get Healthier
The great news is that it does not have to stay this way. Through perseverance and moment-to-moment dedication to changing our beliefs, thinking and behavior, we can get better. Way better. It is possible to feel true happiness. We can have peace. We can learn to accept ourselves. Creating healthy boundaries is possible. We can even manage to accept that some people will never like us and we can learn to live with that. It's hard, but I'm here to attest to the fact that it can be done.
However, very few can do it alone. We require information and tools that can be acquired through a good therapist, helpful and honest books, seminars, talks, groups, medication for some and (for me) lots of prayer and journaling. But most importantly, the determination not to give up.
The key is simple self-observation without judgment. This first step is extraordinarily hard for us because we're used to judging ourselves in the harshest possible ways. It has to be learned through repetition. Being aware (mindful) of our choices is simply taking that one extra breath to think about what we are about to say or do. For instance - say you are with a person who has always made you feel insecure. You really want this person to like you, include you - accept you - as you are. But this hasn't been the case even though you've tried everything and have crossed all kinds of healthy boundaries to do them.
But now, because you incorporate mindfulness into your thinking,
you take one extra moment and think, "I don't need this person's approval. It's not important. I'm not doing that (whatever 'that' is) anymore. And you don't say the usual words, you don't mimic or cling on to that person. You let yourself feel that awful abandonment sensation wash over you and remind yourself that feeling isn't real and not useful anymore. In that moment, you can just smile and let the old feelings pass through without being affected by them. Yes, it's hard. But it's the only way through.
That is the essence of mindfulness. You are observing yourself. Not with condemnation ("You idiot," "You're pathetic." etc.) but with compassion and patience.
For some, mindful thinking is easier when we think of a loving parent in our heads guiding us to make better choices. What a refreshing thought! I sometimes do this and thank her afterwards.
Even though we can get very good at doing this and usually have great success (we must remember to give ourselves credit) there will be times when the old thinking creeps in. In a moment of distraction, we find ourselves automatically thinking and behaving in the old, destructive patterns. We feel out of control of what we're doing and then instantly feel awful because we took the bait.
This is when we need to forgive ourselves. It happened. We blew it, behaved badly, felt that old sense of abandonment self-loathing and proceeded to shred ourselves to bits in condemnation. Sometimes this forgiveness can be in a moment. Other times it only comes after days and days of reliving our mistake and wallowing in self condemnation.
In order to be emotionally healthy, accepting that we will fail from time to time is crucial. The truth is we probably will never be 100% 'cured' from our codependent thinking and behavior. But remember this:
Codependency is a continual process of Revelation, Relapse and Renewal. "I learned, I failed, I got up and continued to get better." We do not give up because we fail from time to time.
Accepting this is the key to overcoming codependency. Please be kind to yourself and remember these three facts:
1. You are capable of changing.
2. You will falter.
3. By choosing to get back up and try again, you will get stronger and healthier each time.
All this may seem beyond you at the moment. Please trust me when I tell you it is possible.
Your future depends on that.
For more information on mindfulness for the codependent, please read the Guide portion of my book, "You're Not Crazy-You're Codependent."
For some, mindful thinking is easier when we think of a loving parent in our heads guiding us to make better choices. What a refreshing thought! I sometimes do this and thank her afterwards.
Even though we can get very good at doing this and usually have great success (we must remember to give ourselves credit) there will be times when the old thinking creeps in. In a moment of distraction, we find ourselves automatically thinking and behaving in the old, destructive patterns. We feel out of control of what we're doing and then instantly feel awful because we took the bait.
This is when we need to forgive ourselves. It happened. We blew it, behaved badly, felt that old sense of abandonment self-loathing and proceeded to shred ourselves to bits in condemnation. Sometimes this forgiveness can be in a moment. Other times it only comes after days and days of reliving our mistake and wallowing in self condemnation.
Three Important Ideas To Remember
In order to be emotionally healthy, accepting that we will fail from time to time is crucial. The truth is we probably will never be 100% 'cured' from our codependent thinking and behavior. But remember this:
Codependency is a continual process of Revelation, Relapse and Renewal. "I learned, I failed, I got up and continued to get better." We do not give up because we fail from time to time.
Accepting this is the key to overcoming codependency. Please be kind to yourself and remember these three facts:
1. You are capable of changing.
2. You will falter.
3. By choosing to get back up and try again, you will get stronger and healthier each time.
All this may seem beyond you at the moment. Please trust me when I tell you it is possible.
Your future depends on that.
For more information on mindfulness for the codependent, please read the Guide portion of my book, "You're Not Crazy-You're Codependent."
So true. It's a process that is always undone. Unravelling all those last beliefs that we were not enough. Sometimes I can do it but I find it difficult to do alone.
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