You Were Not Born Codependent

Thanks for wading through the eternal list of choices on the web to find me and my new blog. It's my goal to answer your many questions and to guide and encourage you while you get a better understanding of who you are, why you are this way and how to discover the real you, all with compassion. Because, believe me I've been deep, deep into these dark waters and I can tell you with honesty that there is a better way. I'll be posting as often as possible so if you put this blog on an email feed or the RSS feed, you'll get them right away. Also, if you have questions, there's a place on the blog for that too. Answers will be private. Let's get going.

To understand what codependency is, we have to start at the beginning and look at what it is not. 

Every single one of us was born in the image of God. We may have flaws on the outside, but our essence was perfect: innocent, without any sort of malice, curious, loving and receptive to all the world had to offer.

But the world - and all the damaged people in it - slowly chipped away at our perfect state of being. Over time, negative traits began to emerge, such as:

• Rage
• Insecurity
• Anxiety
• Low Self  Esteem
• Perfectionism
• Control Issues
• Depression

Children who are raised in nurturing environments don't suffer from these types of problems because they are valued and taught coping mechanisms.  Babies who are held, responded to with love feel safe in the world. They grow into people who are comfortable in their own skin. They can deal with adversity without losing their mind over whether or not they said or did the exact right thing. They don't live in constant fear of being rejected. No, They get up when knocked down because they know their own worth.

On the other hand, kids who are punished, belittled or worse - ignored when having needs grow up to believe that no matter what they say or do, it's not good enough. These poor souls live with the never ending message that they are somehow damaged, bad...worthless. Rejection and abandonment are very real possibilities for them. They're emotionally lost because they believe they have no worth.

And there in lies the making of codependency.

What Is Codependency And How Does It Begin?

In my book, "You're Not Crazy-You're Codependent," I explain that codependency originally was the word to describe "A person who was involved with someone else who was dependent or addicted to a substance that had taken control of their lives. This person was 'co-dependent' in a sense to the same addiction consumed lifestyle." Continuing on, I say, "Later, it became a more mainstream way to describe anyone who comes from a dysfunctional background where, as a child, the emotional needs are not met. Instead  of a healthy environment where she is heard, acknowledged, nurtured and loved, she feels ignored, fearful, belittled and responsible for the adult's well-being.....addiction is often involved but not always. All of this negativity, hostility and emotional confusion make the child scared, insecure, and eventually, angry."

It is a fact, however, that many people who are struggling with codependency are also saddled with addiction of some kind....if you are battling addiction, you most likely are also caught up in codependency and may not even know it yet.

Children who come from backgrounds like this are usually dealing with a certain rigidness that has taken the place of spontaneity and laughter. This means there are unspoken rules the child must adhere to. Secrecy, lack of honest communications and the understanding that it is his or her job to make sure the parent(s) are satisfied, therefore keeping peace. This is done at the expense of the child's emotional needs being met. Boundaries are overlapping or nonexistent.

How Do I know If I'm Codependent?

I believe that the four most common causes in the development of a codependent personality are the following:   

Addiction

Abuse

Trauma

Shame-based treatment

If you can relate to three out of four of these then you are probably codependent among other things. It's important to understand that not all codependency is created in childhood. Maybe you came from a normal, happy home but crossed paths with someone who ended up creating codependent behavior in you because of his or her own issues, such as addiction. 

In a subsequent blog I'll go through a checklist of items that will pretty much sum you up. Every single one of them will require work on your behalf to correct, which you can do. Don't be discouraged. It is possible! 

Remember, your job from here on is NOT to figure out a way to change or fix anyone else no matter how much they need it. You only job is to get get to work gradually changing what needs to be changed in YOU to rediscover the real you. When you commit to this, you will eventually begin to see something you never thought possible: the good and authentic life you were always meant to have.